Day 20: Time out!

I made it 19-1/2 days. I couldn't do any more. Each meal was like running a marathon, I was so disgusted. It seems counter-intuitive that what is good for me in the long run should be an ongoing horrific experience that makes me want to vomit. I love food. I hate hating to eat. It really shouldn't be a torture session every time I have a meal.

I haven't given up, but I do feel I need to regroup and figure out a new strategy. I'll check back with you once I figure out what that strategy will be.

Day 18: Don't make me eat that again!

Uh oh, I'm on a dangerous slope ... I can't stand my food! It's completely revolting. What to do, what to do?

I thought of a few options:

1. Throw in the towel completely.
2. Go out for an expensive gourmet raw meal, thereby breaking the bank and whatever semblance I have left of the 80/10/10 ratio.
3. Suffer through the agony and hope it miraculously goes away.
   
4. Fast.

I may opt for number 4. I'll keep you posted.

Done with today in any case. Couldn't help but eat some nuts and avocado today, as bananas have a high upchuck factor and I have lots of those that need eating (managed a few).

This is probably the most difficult stage I've been through with this diet, which is a bit odd seeing as I'm almost three weeks into it. As difficult and just plain awful as it is right now, I'm actually curious to see if I can work through it, or if it just remains horrendous from here on out. However, I've made it to 21 days before, and I remember the same feeling when I finally gave up last time, a feeling that I just literally cannot eat the food without getting sick.

That's why I'm thinking maybe it's my body telling me to fast? That could just be a bunch of crazy raw food hoo-ha propaganda. It could be that the food actually is crap.

Food:
4 cups grapefruit juice (8 grapefruits)
Smoothie: 3 bananas, 1/2 bunch of spinach, 3 d'anjou pears
1.5 oz. brazil nuts, 1/2 avocado
1/2 cup snap peas, 1/2 red bell pepper

Calories: 1463
Carbohydrates: 70%
Protein: 6%

Fat: 24%

Exercise:

Nada. Kids at home with me all day. Raining and sleeting outside.

Day 17: Another day down, that's about all I can say

Tonight I made a salad that doesn't qualify for the Super-Dooper-Perfect-Natural-Hygeinist-Seal-of-Approval ("thou shalt not add any seasonings or enjoy anything too much!") but it still tasted blander than boiled sand, so I can at least claim a penitence award.

Food:
4 cups grapefruit juice (8 grapefruits)
Smoothie: 1 papaya, 3 mangoes, 6 oz. blueberries, head of romaine
1 oz. brazil nuts
Salad: 4 leaves romaine, handful of cherry tomatoes, 1 tbsp. minced onion, 1 tbsp. fresh dill, 1/2 apple, 1 tbsp. lemon juice

Calories: 1352
Carbohydrates: 79%
Protein: 6%
Fat: 15%

Exercise:
20 minutes Stair Master
20 minutes walking on treadmill, 3.7 mph
Ho-hum!

Day 15 & 16: I hate fruit right about now!

I have been very despondent this afternoon, feeling dejected about this whole diet. This may sound crazy, but sometimes I feel like it's hardly worth getting out of bed if you can never eat anything super-yummy ever.

I recently got a copy of Doug Graham's The New High Energy Diet Recipe Guide and throughout the book he talks and talks and talks about how all these fruit dishes are absolutely delicious. What a joke! I think he's from another planet than me. Maybe if you're a natural fruit lover (I have friends that are), but that ain't me. Under normal circumstances I eat fruit sporadically, the occasional smoothie, that kind of thing. Oh, and cherry season. I do love cherry season.

Guess what? Now I still don't really like fruit. Surprise surprise! It's too sweet. But for now it's sustaining me. I definitely have no interest in cake or ice cream or anything like that. Sugar cravings are nill. Still not happy though. Not satisfied. Want to punch a freakin' wall!



But I knew I wouldn't be satisfied, I knew it would be absolute hell for some time since I've been this far down this road before. Does it ever get any better? Any easier? Part of wanting to do this was to do the crazy experiment of taking someone who doesn't really like fruit and see what happens if you eat ponderous amounts of it for three months. Would it get any more palatable? Would my health improve? Could I actually do something so difficult? The answer is -- I have to tell myself -- an unresounding yes, but right now it's a bit like listening to a broken record of nails on a chalkboard for weeks on end.

Don't get me wrong: I feel absolutely 100% nourished and am getting more and more energetic -- I think -- every day. (I did everything in my yoga class today, whereas before I'd have to sit out of a bunch of it). It's just that the nourishment drives me up the wall.

The way I feel now there's no way I'm sticking to this forever. But that's just what I'm saying right now. Stay tuned.

Day 15 Food:
Some kind of herbal tea with 1 tsp honey (crucify me)
4 c. grapefruit juice
Brazil nuts (46 g/1.5 oz.)
1/2 medium watermelon (~1795 g.)
Giant smoothie: pear (6-1/8 oz./174 g.), 3 bananas (10-1/2 oz./300 g.), blueberries (4-5/8 oz./134 g.), 1 lb. 1/2 oz. grapes, head of romaine (say 300 g.)

Calories: 2066
Carbohydrates: 79%
Protein: 6%
Fat: 15%

Exercise:
15 minutes total body workout bike thingy (I have to see what it's called)
30 minutes True Strider
20 minutes treadmill, 3.5 mph
40 minutes weight training

Day 16 Food:
Herbal tea with honey again (maybe I'll stop soon, but I'm cooooold, so no promises)
4.25 c. grapefruit juice (8 grapefruits)
Smoothie: 3 mangoes, piece of jackfruit (1.5 cups), 1 pear, 1 apple
More of previous smoothie but added 2 bananas and a head of romaine
1 small avocado

Calories: 1710
Carbohydrates: 82%
Protein: 5%
Fat: 13%

Exercise:
Bikram yoga class

Day 14: When will my skin get better?

My skin is rough all over my forehead. I'm still waiting to see the benefits in terms of skin improvement, but I'm pretty certain, from past experience, that they will come.

I wanted to exercise today. Took the kids to the gym even where they have childcare, but the childcare was all full (all those New Year's resolution crazies) so I came home instead.

I'm getting tired and cranky in the afternoons, which is always my hardest time, craving wise. Unfortunately, that's also the time that the kids come home -- unfortunately for them, that is, since I'm not exactly a barrel of monkeys in the afternoons. Thank heavens for PlayStation, that's all I can say. (Perfect mom? Not!)

I remember Sarah saying in her Going Bananas blog that you have to be patient with this lifestyle. And I am. But that doesn't make it fun or easy.

I am doing better on drinking tons of water, and it looks like my hydration level is starting to rise. I notice my lips are dry a lot like I'm dehydrated, even though I'm drinking liquids all day long. I guess it's just my body replenishing. Interesting.

Food:

• 4 cups grapefruit juice
• 2 bananas, 1 GIANT asian pear (about a pound)
• Smoothie (good!): 3 mangoes, 1 papaya, lettuce (308 g); 1 small avocado

Calories: 1630
Carbohydrates: 81%
Protein: 5%
Fat: 14%

Exercise:

• Ran up and down my stairs 20 times out of desperation.
• Home ab workout (I need to strengthen my abs big time to get over some of my injuries, but I actually hate doing ab work).

Pizza Encounters (get this!):

• Took my kids to the pizza place for a slice after the failed gym attempt because I was in too cranky a mood to want to deal with cooking when I got home. It smelled good and was annoying, of course, but I was already in a foul mood anyway, so it didn't really matter.

Day 13: Phlegm: The dumbest word in the English language

I mean really! It should be spelled "flem."

... You do know, of course that when you read a raw food blog you have to hear all the nitty gritty about not only what goes in, but what comes out:

Flem, and lots of it.

It seems like every day for some portion of the day I am spitting up all kinds of throat drainage. I know this is a good thing -- you know, better out than in. I'm sure I'm freaking out a lot of people who think I have swine flu, coughing all over town. ("Oh, sorry, it's just the mangoes!") Although the excretion of plegm does serve it's useful absolution, it does become tiresome, a bit like English spelling. (English place names are even worse: Leicester = les-ter, Worcester = wus-ter, but Cirencester = siren-ses-ter; go figure!)

One of the tricky things about this diet is not only the shopping, but trying to time the fruit spoilage to minimize/eliminate it. I regularly experience some wastage for a few reasons:

1. The fruit was bad when I bought it (sometimes I buy bargain produce -- the stuff that's about to go off) due to misjudgement.
2. I had to buy a big bag (i.e. bargain bananas) and couldn't get through all of it. I don't feel so bad about this because it's headed for the trash heap anyway.
3. I just don't eat it in time. This one makes me mad at myself.
4. It's hidden behind or under something and I don't notice it until after the fruitflies do.
5. I've never tried it before and it's actually really nasty. This happened to me with gooseberries recently, although new foods in my house are pretty few and far between.
   

In the last few days I've had to compost:

• 1 medium yellow watermelon due to reason number 1.
• 3 bananas due to reason number 2.
• 1 apple due to reason number 1.

Whatever the reason for the spoilage, it's something I want to improve.

Food:
.75 cups orange juice (DON'T try juicing navel oranges. It doesn't work!)
1.58 cups grapefruit juice
Half a medium watermelon (1795 g)
Smoothie: spinach (166 g), grapes (1 lb. 1/2 oz/472 g), 2.5 bananas (274 g)

Calories: 1382
Carbohydrates: 90%
Protein: 7%
Fat: 3%

Exercise:

• 20 minutes StepMill
• 20 minutes crazy bike thingy
• 20 minutes treadmill
• 45 minutes weight training

Exercise:

Day 12: Warning: Grapefruits can be harmful to your health

I'm developing an overuse injury from juicing grapefruits! My wrist is definitely a bit sore from pressing down on my manual citrus juicer. I'm going to have to be a wee bit more mindful of that going forward. I do have an old-style lever citrus juicer that I can use if need be, but I'm just going to try to modify for now and see if it helps.

My extra energy is definitely starting to take a new form now. I really, really, really want to exercise every day. Maybe this will become my next addiction! I was super bummed out because I forgot that I had to take my son to a speech therapy appointment in the morning, only remembering at the last minute. I had been planning to go to a Bikram yoga class. As it turned out I didn't get in any exercise all day.

I'm finding that the food is getting easier IF I'm at home with everything under my own control. Dinner is still, how shall I say? Not a challenge exactly because I'm not caving in, but bothersome? Watching everyone else eating other stuff that looks really yummy. I am making a point not to fix any of my old favorites for the present time, as I don't really want to torture myself. Basically, I'm getting to where the feeling is still there but it doesn't tug at me quite as much, just because I'm getting out of the habit of actually eating that other stuff. I'm finding I'm not consciously thinking about it as much -- at home anyway -- even if I have all kinds of indulgences in the back of my mind.

As for my calorie intake, I am aware that it's generally pretty low right now, especially if I eat not overt fats (nuts, avocado) that day. But I'm actually eating an amount that feels right to me for now (stuffing myself, actually). I'm also aware that I'll probably drop weight pretty fast at this rate. But I don't really care about that either, and not just for girlie vanity. I have read that toxins are stored in your adipose tissue, so the sooner it comes off, the better, goes my rationale. Maybe then I'll stop craving everything for good.

Food:
Sorry, I forgot to measure some stuff.

• 3 bananas
• 2 cups grapefruit juice
• 1 apple
• 1 banana
• Smoothie: Head of lettuce (308 g), 1 lb. 3/8 oz grapes (470 g), 6 oz blueberries

Calories: 1148
Carbohydrates: 92%
Protein: 5%
Fat: 3%

Exercise: None. Boo hoo!

Pizza encounters: None! (did I scare of Satan?)

Please donate to the Haiti earthquake relief efforts

Click here for a list of organizations that need whatever you can give.

Peace.

Day 11: Pizza is Satan incarnate, and it's stalking me

Yesterday I had a meeting in the evening and brought a couple bananas, some apples and a bag of pecans. I had meant to go to the store earlier but couldn't find the time, so I had to make do. I'm still learning how to accurately plan for the fruit replenishment excursions.

Everyone at the meeting was eating these scrummy looking sandwiches. Even the tunafish sandwich was smelling good to me! No clue why, as I despise all seafood, even seaweed. I pulled out my embryonic chimpanzee feast only to find two half-way mushy bananas, so that left me with even less -- one banana, really, and some apples, which I can really only eat so much of. I ate half the bag of pecans but it was too much -- not filling enough and too heavy. I was still hungry.

I came home famished to find the neighbor kids (who are older) over playing video games with my kids. My neighbor, who was (technically speaking) watching my kids while I was at the meeting, had made pizza for everyone in my oven. I told him this morning I could have killed him for cooking pizza in my house (naw, really I love him dearly like a brother). But this marauding pizza thing has really got to stop! In fact, I think I'm going to start a section at the bottom of each entry called Pizza Encounters. It's like bacteria -- it's everywhere! And it does seem to multiply the more space you try to give it.

As for the shopping, I can't easily conceptualize what I require in a week yet. The fruit mounds have seized my counter and are now advancing lock-step onto the kitchen table. Maybe the kids will eat more of it with such a frontal assault.

Here's an inventory of all the produce deployed to my counter and fridge:

Fruit:

• Red d'anjou pears - 12
• Green d'anjou pears - 1
• Cameo apples - 8
• Other apples (mishmash) - 9
• Tangerines - 7
• Really ripe (soft/spotty) bananas - 14
• Ripe-but-probably-not-by-Doug-Graham-standards-but-the-only-way-I-can-eat-them-whole bananas - 12
• Keitt mangoes - 7
• Hayden mangoes - 8
• Ginormous asian pears - 6
• Grapes, sweet red seedless - about 5 pounds
• Grapes, red seeded - about 1 pound
• Kiwi - 1 from my garden
• Oranges - 11
• Red ruby juicing grapefruits - 25
• Blueberries - 36 oz.
• Papaya - 1 (to see if I can stomach it)
• Watermelons - 2 medium (bargain produce)
• Honeydew melon - 1
• Ugli/unique fruit - 1 (don't ask me!)
• Avocado - 2 small
• Jakfruit - 1 large slice
  

That's 129 pieces of fruit (by my quick count), plus another 8 lbs., 4 oz.

Veg:

• Lettuce heads - 4
• Celery - 2 bunches
• Spinach - 1 bunch

That's basically 7 servings for me, or should be at least.


I don't know ... do you think I'll starve to death eating like this?


Food:
2 bananas
Smoothie: Head of lettuce (332 g), 1 gala apple (140 g), 2 green d'anjou pears (274 g), 2 bananas (222 g)
2 apples, 1 banana, 1 oz pecans

Calories: 1114
Carbohydrate: 77%
Protein: 5%
Fat: 18%

Exercise:

• 20 minutes StepMill
• 20 minutes exercise bike
• 12 minutes glider at high intensity
• 20 minute ab workout

Pizza Encounters:

• Pizza flyer on doorknob in afternoon
• Pizza cooked in my over, upon returning in evening
  

Day 9-10: Busting some nuts with my extra energy

I saw my friends Gareth and Valentina on Saturday who put on a nice, small gathering with a couple other of Valentina's friends and their kids. There were seven kids, so they all got to play, pretty well self-policed, for the afternoon. Valentina -- bless her heart -- bought some pizzas for everyone (but me! boo hoo!). Naw, seriously, I knew that part wouldn't be fun, but have also totally accepted that there are going to be moments like that. Pizza aside, I had a really nice time. Good company, good conversation.

Gareth did teach me a useful skill: How to crack nuts with your bare hands. I think this is a skill every woman should have. ;-) Of course, Gareth makes it look so easy in this video, whereas I had to struggle and struggle (but I did eventually manage it).


Lest you think I am encourage raw food over-indulgence via the egregious portrayal of Gareth and his nuts, let me say that I post this information only to illustrate a skill that I never knew was possible, and only for your viewing pleasure.

Day 9 Food:

• 4 cups grapefruit juice
• 1 pineapple (654 g)
• 1 oz. brazil nuts
• Smoothie: Spinach - 1/2 large head, 2 bananas. NASTY! I made a bunch more than this but could only stomach half of it without resorting to the vomit chamber. 1 large avocado. 1 walnut. 1 apple.

Calories: 1489
Carbohydrates: 64%
Protein: 6%
Fat: 30%

Day 10 Food:

• 4 cups grapefruit juice
• Smoothie (actually a nice combination): 2 keitt mangoes (326 g), 3 d'anjou pears (450 g), box of blueberries, supposed to be 6 oz but actually only 5-7/8 -- thieves! -- which is 134 g; large head of romaine.
• 3 bananas

Calories: 1294
Carbohydrates: 92%
Protein: 5%
Fat: 3%

Day 8: The fruit tree: Nature's first meth lab

"Awate!"

That's what my older son used to yell excitedly about his waking new baby brother, before he could pronounce his "k" sound. Well, that's me lately, wide awake, but not always happy about it. I'm waking up before sunrise every day and not falling asleep until close to midnight. That's just not normal! Not that I'm getting up at that time ... I just lay around and marvel at how impossible it is to sleep, then relent after awhile and begrudgingly face the day.

Joe Alexander, in his fantastic little book Blatant Raw Foodist Propaganda -- in my eyes one of the best, and certainly most humorous, books on the raw food diet -- sums the ultimate effect up thus:

"Raw food diet is a better high than marijuana or speed or LSD or cocaine or any other drug you can name, and best of all the CIA doesn't make any money on it."

Well, I'm not exactly there yet, but I am fully

AWAKE!

I think I'm entering Stage 2 detox, and this is part of the annoyance factor. My skin is rough, dry, and itchy. In short, I'm through the sleepy stage (which is easier in a sense because you can sleep through it) and have now entered the deep-clean mode of detox which, heaven help me, will probably go on and on until December 21, 2012.

I do like that I am quite alert though, even well into the evening, which is a change. Last night I worked in my home office until 10:00 on this heinous work project. I wanted to get a lot done while I was on a roll.

When I came out and sat down, Gary says to me, "Updating your blog?" with a knowing grin.

"No, actually I was WORKING. There are other people in this house that work too, you know!" (I'm a part-time, work-at-home, keep-my-own-hours contractor, so sometimes he gets a bit jealous.) He was not expecting to see me working at that time at night unless absolutely necessary.

I was forced to restock the fruit cellar (I wish!) yesterday, after only 6 days! My counter was practically bare. (Mind you, practically bare to me is probably a month-long supply of fruit for a medium sized Texas village.) At the store, the checkout ladies were giggling and eying my mountain of grapefruit -- not that many really -- about 30? -- and whispering amused comments in Spanish (not realizing that I could understand them). Funny.

Nonetheless, it's still a bit shocking to me to go through like 40 grapefruits in a week, especially since grapefruit juice is one of my favorites while eating like this, so I could easily have double that if I was open to having less variety.

Last night I was pining fiercely for a semblance of a "normal" meal, just something that looked like something other than orchard droppings or a pureed concoction thereof. It was an emotional thing; I just wanted to sit down "properly" with the family. I cut up a bunch of veggies and reconstituted some tomato powder (dehydrated from our summer harvest, sorry folks). No salt or spices, so no real risk of it being too mmm mmm good. Big plate. Gary agreed that it approximated a normal looking meal.



You know what? It was WAY too much. I mean too intense. The tomato flavor was overwhelming. I ate the whole thing, but only because I don't like wasting food. It was an effort not to gag by the end. I had originally measured out one ounce of Brazil nuts -- I'm not opposed to going over the 10% fat target at this stage -- but then I didn't want them either.

My Friday night treat was some high carbon footprint Chilean cherries. I wouldn't normally purchase such ridiculously transported produce, but I've allowed myself a few indulgences to get over the most painful first stretch of this trek.

Food:

• 2 cups grapefruit
• Smoothie: Handful of mallow from my garden (40 g), handful of celery from my garden (68 g), 3 burro bananas.
• Small watermelon
• Crazy dinner mixture: broccoli (2-1/4 oz/68 g), zucchini (4 oz/116 g), grape tomatoes (3-1/2 oz/100 g), slice of leftover mango (1/2 oz/16 g), handful of lettuce (1-7/8 oz/56 g)
• 3.5 oz cherries

Calories: 1128
Carbohydrates: 88%
Fat: 4%
Protein: 8%

Day 7: No wagons here!

I announced this here blog on the rawfoods.com forum the other day and one of the nice replies was from Bryan, who I used to see at raw food potlucks. We have mutual friends. It's been ages since I saw him. He's a long-time raw fooder and has seen a lot of success with his dietary choices. I appreciated his words of encouragement, but one thing he said really got me thinking: "It doesn't matter how many times one falls off the wagon. What matters is that one gets back on." I appreciate where he's coming from, totally, as a gentle encouragement to be willing to take the first step again with this diet.

However, in thinking deeper about it, I'm in a different place with it now. My attitude now is that this is just what I'm doing for now, for today, with resolute determination to get to 90 days. I used to go by that success/failure model, and all it ever got me was a whole lot of heartache. I would love myself only when I was eating raw food and staying on the restrictive straight and narrow. Then I would "fall off" and I would hate myself and go into a tailspin, which wouldn't make me love myself anymore. It was all about something external -- food -- not something inside.

Today I have dispensed with the wagon altogether. I'm living within my own power so don't need such outmoded conveyances. I'm actually in a place where I can't do anything other than what I'm doing, because I know I would be not being true to my dreams, that it would be out of alignment. What's truly important is not that I get back on the raw food wagon; it's that I create the strong, vibrant, happy life that I want. What I eat is secondary to that. Once I put everything aside and asked myself what I truly wanted and how to get it, and fully understood that I have to create the life I want and build my strength by flexing my mental muscles, I see this as truly just one exercise toward achieving that goal. The diet is only a stepping stone that I think, for now, will help me be who I want to be, help me explore some frontiers in my life. I don't promise to be doing this five years from now. I have a truly open mind about it.

A lot of my new attitude comes from a strong desire to flex my willpower. When you build your willpower you build your focus and concentration. As applied to the diet this time around, it's really not about avoiding food. This is about learning to do what is difficult, cultivating inner fortitude, and I can apply its lessons in a myriad of ways.

Eat Something Raw Day
Did you know today is Eat Something Raw Day? I had no idea! I heard that this morning on NPR. I tried to research it (about 30 seconds) and couldn't really find anything out, but if you're really sappy there are some Eat Something Raw Day e-cards out there. Eat Something Raw! Um, ok!

As for Day 7
Lots of cravings throughout the day, mostly because I was getting together with a friend that I usually go to lunch with. She offered me an avocado and I took her up on it. Better than potato salad!

In case you haven't noticed, I'm posting my experiences from the previous day. I don't think too well at night, so it works better for me this way.

As for weekends, I'll try to post my food, but maybe no commentary. There's this great blog Geese Aplenty, and when you do a Google search on it the description says, "Now fortified with less frequent posts." Love that! If you need some humor in your day, czech out that blog.

Food:

• 1 avocado
• Juice of 6 grapefruits (2.5 cups)
• Smoothie (not great, but edible): 7.5 oz blueberries (214 g), cucumber (454 g), 3-5/8 oz pear (106 g), 3-1/2 oz banana (100 g), 2-3/8 oz celery (70 g)
• Large handful of garden lettuce
• 1 Crenshaw melon, blended (3 lb, 5 oz)
• Smoothie of 1 mango and 394 g romaine

Calories: 1723
Carbs: 76%
Protein: 7%
Fat: 17%

Day 6: Pizza really does come out of the woodworks

Day 6 went off without a hitch, apart from the occasional twinge, like when I was walking up to my gym and was suddenly pummeled by the tantalizing scent of fresh pizza. Why oh why do they do that to me?

I was thinking about how I'm reacting to such things now versus other times when I've followed raw diets. I think I used to have the attitude that I just shouldn't have to put up with cravings, like they should just go away if I'm doing everything right. By the way, that is essentially what Doug Graham, author of The 80/10/10 Diet book told me on his forum, when I asked him how long it takes for cravings to go away. He basically said if you feed yourself right and choose not to have cravings (can't remember the exact words, but something to that effect) it won't be an issue. I have now decided after meticulous personal research that that's a load of crap, no disrespect intended to the man whose advice I am trying to follow. I just don't think he's ever had a food craving in his entire life, that's all.

Now I have the attitude that, yes, I'm going to want pizza and fries and blah blah blah for quite awhile. Hopefully not continuously, and hopefully I can find ways to manage it, but it's gonna hit me probably every single day for some time. It's intense, for me anyway.

Speaking of pizza, I never got that criticism of gourmet raw food that goes something like, "If it looks like pizza and tastes like pizza, it probably digests like pizza and has the same effect." To break it down:

• If it looks like pizza (Er, sort of)
• and tastes like pizza (No freakin' way that tastes like pizza!)
• it probably digests like pizza (????????)
• and has the same effect (Satisfaction? Not!)

Therefore one of my mantras is "Raw pizza? Why bother!"

In a nutshell, I'm not expecting to feel anything great anytime soon about any of this, but I'm still glad I'm doing it, because I wanted to do it, I set out to do it, it's impossible. That's why I'm doing it.

Food:
2-3/4 cups grapefruit juice
about 80% of a small watermelon
4 small apples
Smoothie of 3 yellow bananas (242 g), 90 g of a d'anjou pear (leftover bits after my son bit around it once), 256 g red seedless grapes (1.5 cups?) 224 g lettuce (about a head)
1 oz brazil nuts (I soaked and dehydrated (for storage purposes) a bunch of these some time back)

Calories: 1409
Carbohydrates: 80%
Protein: 6%
Fat: 14%

Sleep: About 8 hours

Exercise: 20 minutes StepMill , 20 minutes treadmill @ 3 mph

Day 5: Gawd, do I have to eat??

I was really busy all day long and didn't have much of a chance to sit down to eat, but I also noticed that I didn't really want much of anything [on the menu, anyway] all day long. I truthfully wasn't that hungry. Dinner was nonetheless annoying, as my husband popped a Di Giorno pizza in the oven; I know they're frozen and that it's highly illegal to like such things, according to the food police, but it smelled soooo goooood. I had my plate of grapes instead. Yum.

Writing now on Wednesday morning (Day 6), I'm still not hungry even though my caloric intake was way down yesterday (*not by as much as I thought though. I spotted a calculation error.). I think there's something going on inside, some kind of rearranging the furniture, bunsen burners firing up, because it's not like me to not want to eat. I'll force feed myself something in a minute ... ugh. I'm really trying to drink tons and tons of water, as much as possible, but my hydration level isn't budging, no siree. I must need a lot of water to expiate all those sins.

One thing that has jumped out at me over the last week is that all my favorite TV shows have something to do with food: Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares, Last Restaurant Standing, Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations, Bizzarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern, Biggest Loser. What gives? I guess I've got issues ... I can't help but laugh! I've managed to still watch some of them without caving in.

I did, however, go to McDonalds today
I know, it's just awful isn't it? I arrived really early for my doctor appointment (standard thyroid garbage), kid in tow, so I took him for a small ice cream. The fries just about killed me, but we all survived. I didn't have anything (just to be clear) but I'm not a raw food mom who never lets her kid have anything "bad". I'm not forcing everyone to adopt my outsider ways at this point. Our trips to McDonalds are few and far between (we're all veg anyway, so can't really have much there). We did have a play in the Playland area, and actually laughed inside McDonald's, can you imagine? Still a bit torturous though ... Those fries really are to die for.

Mmmm mmmm good!
This morning I made a smoothie of two mangoes and one giant tree collard leaf from my garden. Took a swig and then noticed that it smelled faintly like stale cat feces. I smelled it about 10 times, wanting to be sure I wasn't going crazy, and finally dumped it out. "When in doubt, throw it out!" says the tried-and-true food service mantra. What a shame! ... probably $3.50 onto the compost mountain. What I'm not sure of is if it actually had feline residue on it or if mango/collard is just a poopey combination. I did brave another, well washed collard leaf in a banana smoothie later in the day and it was fine, if a bit too fibrous.

Food Day 5:
1 cup grapefruit juice (in a big hurry)
2 burro bananas
1 small watermelon
Smoothie of 1 collard leaf and 3 burro bananas
9.75 oz (2 cups?) red globe grapes

Calories: 689 (yikes!)
Carbohydrates: 92%
Protein: 5%
Fat: 3%

Sleep: About 8 hours

Exercise: None to speak of

Note: Since I'm not a good night blogger and tend to do it piecemeal, I've decided to post each day on the following day (inasmuch as I'm able to do so).

Day 4: Morphing maladies

This weird thing on my food that I mentioned the other day, which is "either a varicose vein or a cyst" (the official and oh-so-technical diagnosis) is morphing. I wasn't going to write about this but it's just too strange not to mention it. It was the size of a small marble, only not quite so tall, like as if a marble was embedded half way under my skin on the top of my ankle. It was a bit mushy feeling, why the doctor thought it was a vein. It was also a bit sore, and one day swelled up to the size of a large marble, sending me to the nurses' phone line ... uber freaky! The swelling went back down almost immediately. This all started last September. Today I noticed it's half the size that it was. It was about 2 mm in diameter (although I didn't think to measure it). Now it's 1 mm across. Who'da thunk it? After only 3.5 days in the torture chamber! Whoo hoo. But it's also gotten harder, so now I know it's probably definitely a cyst. Suddenly I can't wear any shoes that lace up at the ankle. I'll keep you posted.

Today was easier
I don't feel like I'm sitting on my hands nearly as much. I'm feeling pretty copacetic right now. Still feeling a bit restless at night though.

Hydration
I'm trying really hard to get my hydration level up, which is difficult because I have this other diagnosis, called "overactive bladder." Now, just to be straight, I'm not sure if that's for real or just an attempt by Big Pharma to empty my pockets by putting me on some stupid drug. And I tried their drug many years ago and did it work? Nope. That's one of the reasons though that a) I'm probably a bit dehydrated in the first place, as I don't like drinking a lot of liquids (although I don't know whether to exactly believe the Tanita scale or not) and b) it's hard for me to get hydrated -- I have to live too, and somewhere besides the bathroom. One of my beloved fellow bloggers, Sarah, used to write about eating a whole giant watermelon in one sitting. There's just no way I could possibly do that. I had a small one today, and that's enough in the liquids department.

More raw food heresy
The notion that everyone should go on a raw food diet I actually think is a teensy bit preposterous. It ain't gonna happen in my lifetime, or in my grandkids' grandkids' grandkids' lifetime either. Food is an integral part of culture, tightly interwoven with language and social traditions; it all developed together according to the climate, geography, etc. To remove food from that context is a psychologically difficult thing to do on multiple levels. You are suddenly not participating in the same way as others. Even if you don't intend it, others may perceive you differently. To feel like an outsider is not necessarily good for the psyche. Our psyche works with our bodies to produce health. Disrupting this network between the mind/body/society (we are not just individuals, after all) can itself be harmful to the health, so I don't think it's nearly as simple as many raw food theorists make it out to be.

I obviously do think a raw food diet is or can be very healthy on a physical level -- that's why I'm doing it, after all -- but I have also seen it manifest as obsessive thinking and behavior in a number of people; either as obsession with one's own behavior or obsession with trying to change and analyze others.

A freind of mine killed himself, in part because of an inability to "stay raw". Heartbreaking! I miss him a lot. I knew another raw fooder who told me she couldn't have compassion for her mother anymore, who had severe diabetes, because her mother preferred to eat her cake and ice cream at this stage in her life than to give it up. All I can say about that is, if I ever get to a place in life where I don't have compassion for my mother, just shoot me, please!

I believe that people are entitled to make their own decisions, and some of the obsessing over food that I have seen can literally spiral and take a person down. It's gotten to me a lot too, and, in fact, has steered me away from a raw food diet on many occasion. It's taken me many years and many bouts of illness to get where I am, so I'm not going to condemn anyone for choosing whatever they choose, as long as they are accepting of my choices.

Health is about the mind body connection. Just because someone is eating pepperoni pizza doesn't mean much to me, for they may be more connected on a different level. Furthermore, I don't want to ostracise myself and go live away from "normal" people like some raw fooders do. Some of my fave people in the world love oily curries, pepperoni pizza, beer and cigarettes, and, guess what? I love them for who they are deep down, "imperfections" and all (a.k.a. being human), not for their "perfections."

"Before" shots
In the long-standing tradition of "before" shots, I did nothing special for these photos and really tried not to smile, so I can look all that much better a few months from now.



For the record, I'm no beach babe, but I'm not doing this to lose weight or any of those coveted prizes. I'm just posting these photos because I think people are genuinely interested in what the effects of this diet are.

Food Today:
Breakfast: Juice of 6 grapefruits (2.5 cups)
Lunch: 2 mangoes, 2 d'anjou pears (not quite ripe, too starchy)
Afternoon (snack?): smoothie of 6 oz raspberries, 6 oz blueberries, 6 oz red seedless grapes
Dinner: Smoothie of 6.25 oz bananas (2), 5.25 oz asian pear (1), 12.5 oz spinach (enough to fill a small microwave oven!); then 1 oz of brazil nuts.

Calories: 1024
Carbohydrates: 91%
Protein: 6%
Fat: 3%

Exercise:
1 hour weight training, then some stretches
Sauna (ok, that's not exercise, but I did it at the gym)
Almost fell asleep in the car on the way home, I was sooooo relaxed.

Sleep: Couldn't really go to sleep for a few hours. I probably got 7.5 hours. Could have slept more but had to take the kids to their indoctrination bright and early (i.e. school).

Temperature: 98.1 F
Inspired by Steve Pavlina (check out his January, 2008 raw food experiment and follow-up posts), I decided to take my temperature today. This guy even tracked his blood sugar from day to day. I'd be interested to do that, but I can't afford the device. Sorry kids.

Day 3: I almost passed out today ...

... when I opened the fridge and saw the smoked gouda in there calling my name. Ok, so I didn't really almost pass out, but I really did sense a powerful mental swoon. The scary thing is that I really think I'm going to complete 90 days this time, so that swooning feeling is one of, "Sorry babe, ya gotta suffer through this one."

Today was slightly easier as my headache is mostly gone. I did go to a Bikram Yoga class today and actually fell asleep in the class, which I thought was a knee-slapper actually. I guess I'm more wiped out than I feel.

I'm making a lot of smoothies, which may not be ideal, but it's the only way to down the calories I need at this point when all this food is not really appealing to me, and I'm still only barely getting enough. But I am getting enough. I don't feel hungry at all, generally (except just before I restocked the fruit coffers at the grocery store today -- see shopping in photo above).

It's just the cravings -- like B-movie zombies -- that never die, but I'm going to ride it out this time. A few weeks ago I was eating like this for just a few days and one day I was stricken by a really intense craving for mozzarella sticks, you know, the really unhealthy ones that are battered and fried? Even my husband said, "Maybe your body wants calcium?" I told him that's preposterous, that it was just my brain wanting mozzarella sticks. There's nothing at all healthy in those things, and that's what tells me it's some kind of addiction. I can't say to what exactly, but it's powerful.

I realized today that the only person's opinion that matters about whether I can do this this time is mine. And my drive to succeed at this, not because of the blah blah blah healthy diet, but just to do something huge that I set out to do, is massive ... unfortunately ... with all this cheese still sitting around.

Why the Pottenger's Cats experiment proved nothing to me
For the uninitiated amongst you, read up here about the Pottenger's Cats experiment, touted ad infinitum as solid proof that cooking food is bad, very bad. I mean, everybody in raw food circles talks about this experiment. Basically this guy raised several generations of cats half on raw meat and half on cooked scraps (???). By the 4th generation, the cooked scrap cats couldn't reproduce. Cooked food must be bad, very bad. You know what my HUGE problem with this conclusion is? Just about every cat I know is raised on a cooked food diet (what's all that cat food out there?). And just about every cat I know has absolutely no difficulty reproducing until their bits get cut out or off. I'm sure Pottenger proved something, but I'm not sure he proved that cooked food is an effective cat contraceptive. And I wouldn't trust it as a people contraceptive either.


Food today:
Breakfast: Smoothie of 2 mangos, 12 oz strawberry, 1 small apple
Lunch: 1 banana wrapped in lettuce leaf. I was trying to eat 4 of these and then gave up and threw it all in the blender, adding the rest of the head of lettuce. Bananas aren't my favorite food, so I still had to gag a bit eating it. It's just what I had on hand.
Dinner: Juice of 5 grapefruits, about 2 cups; 1 pound of red globe grapes.
Calories: 1288 (I'm trying to do better, honest!)
Carbohydrates: 91%
Protein: 5%
Fat: 4%

Just for the record, I wasn't going to do all this intense calculation, but people seem interested in the numbers, so I'll do it for now, while I can stand it. It is useful to me to make sure I'm getting 1200 calories minimum, anyway, although I really want to shoot for 1500.

Day 2: Ok, so this is really annoying

I am so bummed out today. My goal is incompatible with my human desires! Last night I was watching a rerun of Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares. It's a reality-style show where this bloke, Gordon Ramsey goes into failing restaurants and turns them around. (As it focuses to some extent on food, it may shortly get exponentially more difficult for me to watch.) Anyway, last night I was having no problems with it, just relaxing in front of the TV, when Gordon Ramsey has the gall to tell them that in order to turn their restaurant around they need a signature dish, like, say, fresh mozzarella. He pointed out that it's so easy to make, tastes delicious, and keeps them coming back for more; furthermore, it would only take about 45 minutes a day to prepare. What? Now you tell me! I had no idea it was so simple.

I swear in that moment I almost jumped the fruit ship, but I went to bed instead, moping miserably. I suppose it's probably best that I never knew that mozzarella could be easily made at home, as that could have seriously been my undoing. I must have been born French (or Italian) in a past life with my wine and cheese fetish. I love cheese so much it's totally insane!

I was ever-so-slightly headachy this morning; the joys of caffeine withdrawal, I suppose. I didn't really sleep well last night either. I felt semi-conscious all night long in this weird, detox-induced la-la-land. All day I didn't feel too bad, but just "off", like my body was really starting to wonder what the hell I'm doing to it.

People that I've told of this dietary change have been asking how I feel today, how I'm doing, etc. And the answer is that, well, I'm doing it. Definitely not liking it much one iota just yet, but maybe that will change. My clothes are already looser.

Here's my litany of physical issues that I didn't get around to posting yesterday:

• Neuromas between 2nd & 3rd toe, both feet
• Spot on my left foot that itches constantly & feels like bugs under the skin (?????)
• Collapsed arches, both feet
• Strange bump on left foot, diagnosed as "either a varicose vein or a cyst"
• Achy outside of calves and ankles, upon exertion
• Adductor tendinosis at insertion (knee)
• Hamstring micro tears at origin, causing constant pain in upper leg
  
• Weak abs/hips (causing some of the problems below, for which I've done extensive physical therapy to try to correct)
• Intermittent rash on stomach
• Lack of skin elasticity (a.k.a. approaching 40)
• "Normal" skin blemishes on face
• Recently thinning hair, maybe due to thyroid issues/medication (see below)
• Thin fingernails
• Varying digestive upsets
• And last, but certainly not least, Hashimoto's Thyroiditis (autoimmune garbage) causing low thyroid (which causes a whole host of symptoms I'm not experiencing at the moment due to medication). I also occasionally have to deal with high thyroid due to unintentional overdosage as a result of lack of calibration between generic pharmaceutical labs. I have been dealing with this in the last week on several occasions. Royal pain, with palpitations, anxiety, lack of sleep, blah, blah, blah.
  

Maybe adopting this diet will change nothing (I doubt it will raise collapsed arches anyway!). Maybe I'll turn into Wonder Woman. I'll post some "before" shots (yeah, I can't wait!!!) in the next few days.

Food today:
Juice of 4 grapefruits & 2 oranges (about 2 cups total)
1 small watermelon
1 lb. pureed grape tomatoes with a handful of celery from my garden (I won't do this again)
1 oz brazil nuts
Smoothie of 3.5 bananas and 1 mango

Total calories (from Nutridiary): 1273 (I'm going to try to inch this higher as time goes on; easier said than done.)
73% carb/6% protein/ 16% fat (higher fat than is my target, but I'm also low on my preferred fruits, as the store I usually go to is still closed today)

Day 1: Doning the Hair Shirt

I awoke with a New Year’s headache today to the gorgeous smell of fresh coffee and the tantalizing scent of homemade rosemary breakfast potatoes, lovingly prepared by my husband for my kids.

“Mmmm!” said my nose.

“Nooooooooo!” screamed my head, already grasping at any straws to try to keep me from reverting to my erstwhile complacent ways by indulging the thought of such a lovely breakfast.

My heart sank into a deep, dark chasm of dread, as I realized that this was the very moment that I had decided to don, for 90 full days, the irksome hair shirt of the simple raw food “natural hygiene” diet (aka the 80/10/10 diet), hoping through such loathsome penance to one day be forgiven of my litany of sins. I gave my heart a gentle pep talk in words reminiscent of both Spongebob and famed raw fooder David Wolfe: “Today is is the best day ever! Today we’re doing something much greater than eating potatoes and drinking coffee!” Indeed, today I begin the arduous chore of proving to myself that I can do the impossible. Fun.

Oh, sure, as most people attempting raw food diets, I have in my possession boatloads of physical annoyances, illnesses, aches, pains, stresses, weaknesses, fears – you name it, read on tomorrow – that I would be delighted to have POOF! …disappear instantly. But I’ve tried over many years (about nine to be exact) to stick to raw food diets for such health reasons and it never worked, seeming like self-inflicted eternal misery and damnation.

This time my reasoning is only secondarily related to health issues. This time I just want the pure experience of doing it. Yes, just to do the impossible, to prove to myself that I can.

I was so inspired by a quote I heard of Matt Hoover, the Season 2 winner on Biggest Loser who lost 157 pounds and went on to compete in the Ironman competition:

“There’s something about pushing yourself beyond your limits that people need to do once in their life. They need to take the chance one time to see what they really can do. And once you do it, you’re never the same.”

I immediately knew that just such an attitude would be the key I’d been looking for all these years.

The plan:
• Cut out everything under the sun.
• Add back fruits and greens, and small amounts of nuts and seeds.
• Continue for 90 days.

Fun!

Here's my theme song for Day 1:




Now, if you don't speak Romanian you need not worry, because the lyrics of this song have absolutely nothing to do with raw food diets, determination, winning, nada. The operative parts of the song, which makes it my theme song for Day 1 is the enthusiastic, over the top "la la lai" part that I hope to be able to achieve internally after 90 days of this. The other relevant piece is the fact that they're probably the first Romanian-speaking band to get on to Top of the Pops in England (which takes some chutzpah). Plus, it's a catchy dance song, and I hope to incorporate more music into my life over the coming weeks.

Why 90 days? I’ve followed this simple raw thing for about 21 days straight before. It feels great on the one level, but the cravings are SE-VERE. 21 days is nowhere near enough time to overcome these cravings and get over the rough patches. I’ll probably be a mad fiend for some time. (Read all about it!) 90 days should also give me a pretty good idea of whether a life without cheese is possible. Oh, and also it will tell me whether this diet makes any headway in reversing any of my physical complaints.

During this process plan to share with you some of my heretical stance of raw food issues, such as:

• Why I hate raw fooders in groups.
• Why I really really really wish everyone would just shut up about the Pottenger’s cats experiment.

I used to feel bad about such heretical stances, like I lacked true faith or like I was “in denial”, but now I feel certain there must be others out there who feel the same, or even people who have no interest in raw foods that just want to laugh along with me. Kids, let’s make this fun!
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Things I really wanted to eat today but didn’t:
Goldfish crackers
Breakfast potatoes
Coffee
Cheese
Bread
Whatever that is that my husband is cooking for his dinner right now.

Here’s what I ate instead:
Breakfast: just over 2 cups of grapefruit juice (from 5 Rio Star juicing grapefruits)
Lunch: Smoothie of 2 bananas, 1 mango, head of romaine
Dinner: smoothie of 3 bananas, piece of romaine, 1.5 asian pears (this was a sickly sweet concoction); 4 more bananas a few minutes later, just because I felt I hadn’t eaten enough for the day.
According to Nutridiary.com this day’s intake was about 1230 calories (I need more, but need more fruit), 92% carbs, 5% protein, 3% fat.

_______________________________________________________________

Day 1 Stats
126.2 pounds
28.5% body fat
49.4% hydration level (yikes, I’m practically dead!)
4.6 pounds of bone
Biological age: 28 (that's a thing that pops up on my scale, not my real age, which is 38! I think it refers to your ratio of weight, body fat, etc.)

Measurements:
I thought about not posting these, but then I thought, “Now what could someone possibly do with my measurements? Make a wax replica and stick pins in it? Buy me some new clothes unexpectedly?” I decided I was just being uptight, but decided not to post them for now anyway, just because. I’ll post losses in the update section though, when I get to that.